Finding Myself

Late summer 2006 - Eli's first birthday was on the horizon.  I had given Analina a wonderful ladybug picnic for her first birthday with handmade invitations, and original ladybug-themed games and favors I had created myself.  I had to do something comparable for Eli's first birthday.  (You know how it is with kids, what you do for one, you feel you must do for the other(s).)  I decided on a luau theme. The weather was perfect for it in the Southern California late summer months.  

I began by designing invitations for the party (see the photo). And although I had not planned it this way, I found that designing and creating these invitations was exhilarating!  I know I could have purchased invitations.  It certainly would have been a lot easier to do that.  But I couldn't find anything in the stores that I felt was special enough for this special event.  Everything looked to me like it had been done before.  You know, when you want to commemorate an event as memorable as a first birthday, you want something unique and original.  At least I do!  (As a side note, I think there is a real movement toward handcrafted goods.  In this busy life we are surrounded by mass-produced machine made products by the thousands. As we become used to this mass manufactured world, could we be losing a sense of our very humanity?  Items crafted by the human hand represent individuality, creativity, and a fresh perspective. Perhaps it's that they harken to a less complicated time.  Either way, I think people beginning to seek out these unique, quality items.)

Something about seeing an image in your mind, drawing it on paper, and coaxing it into existence is so fulfilling.  I remember thinking, "Yes! This is what my right brain feels like. I can do this.  I could do this forever!"  I was getting back in touch with my true self.  The response to Eli's invitations was very positive.  The word got around and I was asked to be in charge of decorations for a friend's baby shower.  Here again, I started by looking for decorations in the local party stores.  It looked like no one had designed anything new since 1964!  I kept thinking, I could make something better than this! Well, these are the constant thoughts of an artist in any store, we always feel like we could make something better, higher quality, etc.  It's not always cheaper that way, but the final product is head and shoulders above anything store bought.  I came up with a few new designs for the baby shower, which were a big hit!  It was then that several of my friends encouraged me to go into business for myself.  This was about a year ago (January 2007).  

Since that time, I have been focusing on creating quality original designs for my paper crafts.  I have designed a line for Valentine's Day, wedding invitations, shower invites, birthday cards, and cards for any occasion. In addition, I have received several commissions to create one-of-a-kind designs to fulfill the unique needs of my customers.  Custom design is one of my specialties.

Many people have told me that they frame my cards and they have become mementos or decor in their homes.  You can soon view my designs at my web site www.twofishtoo.com which is currently under construction.  Each piece is indivually hand crafted and signed by me.  They really are little works of art.

Although I am as busy as I've ever been, I am now much more fulfilled.  Motherhood has been my greatest inspiration, and the work I do now, well, let me just say that I am being true to myself.  The fact that my studio is at home gives me the flexibility to be available to my children.  Furthermore, Richard and I now have more one on one time together.  And because the work I do is work I choose, I am not burned out, frustrated and tired all the time anymore.  Not to say this is all so perfect, it's just that things are a lot better now that I've made some changes.  Please enjoy my designs, and check back frequently for new designs and new entries!  Peace be with you. 

A little history (continued)

One of the good things that did come from my finance years is that I met and married my lifetime love, Richard, in 1998.  I took my teaching job in 1999, and in 2002 my daughter, Analina was born.  I loved every moment of motherhood right from the beginning.  It crushed my heart to have to return to work when she was only 4 1/2 months old.  My mother stayed home with all six of us, so I guess I always thought I would be a stay-at-home mom, too.  But, financially, we had no choice at that time - I had to return to teaching.  My only saving grace was that my sister, Kirsten, had a daycare in her home and took care of Analina every day.  At least I knew she was in good hands, although they weren't mine.  I continued to work for the next 3 1/2 years.

I probably don't need to tell you that being a working mom can be tough.  But as the years flashed by, our situation at home began to deteriorate. And although I didn't realize it at the time, they were spinning out of control. When I was working in finance, Richard and I had similar work schedules.  Now that I was teaching, I had to be out of the house by 7:00 am; before Richard was awake.  He did not get home at night until well after 9:30 pm most nights, long after I needed to be asleep in order to get up by 5:00 am.  I guess we tolerated this pretty well before we had children, but once Analina was here, I found that so much of the responsibilities for being a parent rested on my shoulders.  During the week I would get home about 5 - 6pm (killer commute), make dinner, eat dinner, play with my daughter, do the bath and the bedtime routine, wash the dishes, etc. all before Richard ever got home. On the weekends, it was laundry, housework, paying bills, grocery shopping, running around doing the errands, and prepping for classes on Monday . . . all of it rested on my shoulders.  

Right now, as I write this, I realize that Richard had it way too easy back then.  Now I know I should have enlisted his help more, but in the middle of this crisis I couldn't see what was happening.  All I knew was that he would criticize me if the chores weren't done, yet he had no clue of all the work I was doing already.  By the way, we never had time to talk so there was loads of resentment and hurt feelings building up on both sides, I'm sure.  The only time we saw each other awake was on Sunday, but often he'd end up going in to work on that day, too.  As the manager of the store (Tweeter in La Mesa, CA) he had no one to substitute for him.  Any time they were short handed, he'd have to pick up the slack.  

As if all of this was not enough on my plate, in the Fall of 2004 I began teaching an A.P Art History class at school, in addition to all the other classes I was teaching.  This was a really high pressure class with kids trying to earn college credit, and a serious national exam given in May.  The pace of the class rushed along at breakneck speed so missing one day was like missing a week in any other class (for both teacher and students).  Also, it took all of my time at home to prepare lectures for this class. Poor Analina, now not only did I not have time for my husband, I had no time for playing with her, either.  And any time she was sick and needed to stay home, it was a big struggle between Richard and I about who could stay home with her.  I remember one particularly horrible morning Analina had a fever.  We were going back and forth about who could stay home with her - I had already used all my sick days and Richard had a conference at work that day.  Out of frustration he said to me, "You act like your students are more important to you than your own child!"   Now that was a low blow, I admit, and it hurt.  Guess what my response was?  Well I started crying, of course, then as he walked out the door I hollered, "I never wanted to be a working mother, anyway!"

Not exactly what you might call a high point in our marriage.  And I felt so dumb for saying it.  I mean, I was a big girl, I knew what my responsibilities in life were.  And I didn't mean to complain. I know that despite all of our difficulties, we were incredibly blessed in many ways.  But what of happiness?  What about peace in one's heart?  What about harmony in one's home?  Although it was spoken in anger and frustration, I spoke the truth.  And something in voicing it brought my whole situation to a higher level of consciousness. Maybe that moment is actually when I first started taking steps to make changes in my life to get back to my true self.

Now, most people would probably say this wouldn't be an ideal time to become pregnant.  But, despite our schedule, we did just that!  In September 2005, our son Eli was born. Needless to say, I was tired.  Not from childbirth, I mean, but that cumulative kind of tired you get when your life is not your own. I had planned on taking six months off from work, then I stretched it to the end of the school year, then I ask for an extended leave of absence for another year. Pretty soon, after a year and a half, I ended up resigning from my teaching job.  This was a huge decision for me, and an extremely difficult one.  I was letting go of a huge chunk of security in my life.  But what I was beginning to grasp was that I was finding I could carve out time for my creativity, that I was extremely inspired by motherhood itself, and that happiness was presenting itself around the corner.

A Little History - 

How can I tell my story?  I will begin at the beginning, and slowly stretch it out day by day, little by little, the same way life is given to us. 

When I was a little girl I used to make cards for my family out of 3" x 5" cards "borrowed" from my mom's recipe box. (Remember recipe boxes?)  Anyway, on the back of the card I would write heidimark - kind of like Hallmark, you know?  (I fancied myself rather accomplished, I suppose.) I would cut and paste and color and piece paper together until I finally had created what I had imagined.  This could take hours, of course.  But, for me, these were blissful hours filled with possibility.  And as long as I was planning and crafting and creating, I was at peace because I was, in those moments, the most "Heidi" I could be.  I felt most like myself, and do still, in moments of discovery and creation.  It is not what I do, it is who I am and who I was born to be.

My parents encouraged my creativity.  They sent me to special art classes at the San Diego Museum of Art, provided me with lots of materials and resources to work with, made it a point to introduce me to their artist friends and familiarized me with famous works through their larger-than-average collection of art books, as well as some wonderful oil paintings in their home.  I spent a good deal of my time in the ceramics room during high school, and always kept a sketchbook. 

If it sounds like I was given the stuff to launch a huge art career, that is probably true - if only I had been that focused at the young age when I had the world at my feet. (At least it feels that way now, looking back.) But I was a pretty typical teenager in that I was distracted by boys and music and dreams for life.  And I wanted to find my own way, not follow the path laid out for me by my parents. 

I did earn my B.A. in Visual Art and my M.Ed. from the University of San Diego and then went on to teach art (after a few years working in finance) at the School for Creative and Performing Arts at Chula Vista High School. I really enjoyed teaching art and getting my hands dirty with paint and clay and oil pastels and ink every day, especially after those dry years working in the financial office setting.  And although my students were the best any teacher could ask for, something was missing.  Somehow, I never found enough time to devote to my own art work.  Somewhere between childhood and adulthood, I got a little lost.