I usually post pictures of my designs on this blog and share my creative endeavors, but my soul is welling up and I want to talk about it. Like most families in this economy, we have cut back a lot of our comforts. Most of all, I miss the food. I like to cook, I mean really good food, every night. But lately I have found myself searching for the virtues in Pinto beans and broccoli stems.(Not that there's anything wrong with beans, it 's just the redundancy that can fatigue.) Still, it's food, and I'm glad to have that. I'll be returning to work soon, if I can find a job, after almost 4 years of staying home with my children. I'm sure that prospect is cause for some of my turmoil, after all, it's no easy thing for any mom to do. Everyone is changing her ways with these economic times, that's no surprise. But I have been caught off guard by some of the
inner transformations I am experiening.
Let me begin by saying that I have never, in my life, been in a position of need. I had the blessed fortune of landing on this earth as a member of the DAVIDSON family. Those who know my family, know what I mean. My father was a physician (still is) and my mom was able to stay home and raise the six of us. Financially, there was nothing we could want. It's not that we got every toy we asked for, but we had a beautiful home with well-decorated rooms, we were afforded private school education, trips to Hawaii, Mexico and Europe, GOOD shoes: my Mom refused to buy us cheap shoes, something I am now forced to negotiate for my own children. But it was more than that. More than the "goods" they gave us, my parents gave of themselves. In our home we discussed and learned about religion and politics, history, art, literature, and civic responsibility. And they are both really just lovely people, LOVELY. They were not perfect parents, but we grew up happy. Our creature comforts were indulged, and our minds were challenged and expanded.
I guess every child probably thinks the world lives as she does. I supposed my childhood was normal, average, the way it "should" be. So I flew into adulthood fully expecting my life to continue along the same path it had begun. Now, my husband came to me along a very different path. His family was poor, and his parents both worked several jobs to support the family. Statistically, we started out with several marks against us; he is African-American, I am, well, not. I grew up Catholic, he a Baptist. I have a Master's Degree, he barely finished high school. He is 20 years my senior, from a different part of the country and the other side of the tracks, so to speak. We married for love, and nothing else. I do believe many thought it wouldn't last, yet here we are, almost 11 years and 2 kids later . . . Anyway.
He was laid off the summer of 2007 and could not find work for a full year. Now love is wonderful, but it doesn't pay the bills, and after a while I just became annoyed at his unemployment. There were times, and I am just being honest here, that I wondered why I didn't marry a lawyer or doctor, or software engineer. If only I had married someone with a good career, I wouldn't be in this predicament. Notice all the "I's" in that statement. I was so focused on self it was disgusting.
He has been back to work for almost a year now, thank God. Still, we are trying to recover from that lost year, and I have continually revisited my views on money and status. The other day, I mentioned to him how amazed I am at how I took money for granted. I told him how I have never been in need, and that I don't really know what I'm doing here. All he said to me was, "I know." You see, He
does know about struggle, doing without, and cutting back. I used to panic because of the things we could no longer afford. Don't get me wrong, I still worry. But I have noticed how Richard is really leading the way for our family, here. I used to think I was so smart, that I had all the answers. Richard is a man of few words, and I used to fault him for that. But now I look to him and I see him forging ahead for our family. He's been down this path before, and he is leading the way. He doesn't complain, he just keeps giving all he can. I see him in a light I never would have seen if the economy had not taken this turn.
No, my husband's not a fancy man. He doesn't have a high profile job. He doesn't make a lot of money, and he wont be the one to come up with a cure for cancer. But he is honest, and hard working, faithful, strong, and true. He knows what is important, and doesn't fool around with the stuff that's not. He may not know it, but as we go through this rough time, he's my hero, my rock, my home. I used to be so wrapped up in my egocentric views and I didn't even know it. Now, as I become accustomed to the simpler meals at our table, I am learning to appreciate the simple joys in my life, as well. And simple though he may be, I appreciate my husband for being just the way he is.